Happy Halloween

It's not that i've been too busy to write the past few days, its just that nothing has happened. I redid chapter 3 in my nerd novel, I've been working when possible, and I read a few books. Boring. Tonight I'm probably going to the house party of a girl I recently met, but I have to find a costume first. Happy Halloween!

The King is back

I stole Steve-o's chopper again today. He made the mistake of thinking the new hiding place for his keys would remain unfound. I believe he underestimates my sneakiness. I didn't want to do it. Really. I had to. The weather said so. The road said so. The rushing drive for adventure coursing through my veins said so. The fact that i'm an asshole with little ability to pass up opportunities for fun said so. So I went.

There was no one around, just scrub and empty highway, and distant mountain peaks. Once I really got out into the desert I let it rip. Enough that the ride shook my mirrors out of position. They were shaking so hard I couldn't see anything in them anyway. I looked down at one point and the speedo was at 115 mph. Steve-o claims hes done 130 on the rigid. I'm not sure if I believe him, since the speedo max's at 120. Next time I guess I'll just have to race him and see.

Darn rich hippies.

Here is a short list of the names people give their children in Bend, OR. I have actually met all of these people.

Sky
Doogie
Senna
Willem
Ermine
Rowan
Madison
Steel

There are many more, but I can't remember them. It seems no one goes for Michael or Greg or Bob anymore. At least not here on the enlightened west coast.

Starz cabaret and BMC choppers presents..

That was how the radio ads started. Every year BMC Choppers, and MOB inc. join forces to host a night of hot bikes and hotter women at Staz cabaret, the premier all girl cabaret and after hours hot spot in central Oregon. Being affiliated to all three organizations through my excellent social networking, I had a hand in coordinating last night's event.

I tend to get excited about throwing a good party, and last night's was no exception. I woke up early in the morning, and rolled out to the gym to get my swell on. After cleaning up and changing I ran down to BMC's shop and helped load their show bikes onto the trailer. Along with showing off the different models they offer, BMC also did a custom Starz cabaret chopper this year to celebrate Starz's 10th anniversary. The bike would be unveiled during the night and raffled off sometime in 2009 for the Grandma's House charity.

When we got the bikes to starz around noon, I met up with steve-o and Big Mike, who had come up from california for the event. We ramped the bikes into the building and then lifted one onto every stage, except the starz bike, which we placed in front of the DJ booth and covered. To reward us for our labors the chef at Starz made us all cheese burgers. Delicious.

After our treats the BMC and MOB guys disbanded and I drove a few back to the shop. Then I returned home to get ready for work. At work, I spent my shift working with this girl Heather, who is a standard Bend, OR babe. That is to say, not very cute and with no ambition. She is older than I, has graduated college, and does nothing but work at the gym and snowboard in the winter. She does have a cute butt though, so like the gentleman I am, I invited her to come out to the strip club with me. I still don't understand why she declined.

Fiiiiinally my shift ended and I got to go to the party. I got there around 9 and the place was bumping. Every table was full, and the energy was high. The bikes on the stages looked great, and the girls on the bikes looked better. The DJ at Starz is awesome at what he does, mainly because he only plays really heavy rock and roll, although when I walked in he switched to an afroman song. I'm not sure what he was trying to say by that. Being such a close friend of the establishment, I rolled in for free, got a pile of drink tickets and immediately made my way to the bar. My first order was a bud light, a whiskey sour, and a shot of whatever whiskey went into the whiskey sour. I had to play a little catch up you see. After saying hello to some of the girls, I went back to the area we had reserved to join up with Mike and the guys. My grandmother was there.

I don't know if you've ever been to a strip club with your grandmother and her new husband, but I can assure you there is only one proper way to handle it. I corralled some of the beauties and got them both lap dances. Awesome. By the time this was over, my drinks were empty so the next time Mindy walked by I touched her arm and ordered 2 more shots of whiskey and a beer. Her arm was like velvet and steel, and small explosions occured in the vicinity of my eye sockets when we touched. She is still the most beautiful woman in the world. Steve-o declined the shot I had gotten him, so I offered it to this kid Corey that works for BMC. After what the dancer on stage had just done to him, I think he needed it.

The night progressed very well, with everyone enjoying themselves immensely, including grandma Jolene. Steve-o even got giggly after winning 800 dollars on video poker. I don't know how he does it. Kharma is a bitch however, and soon it was my turn to be molested by strippers that Grandma jo pointed in my direction. The girl was Bailey, and while she did not look Irish, her skin was a creamy beige. Mmm. After her dance, which got quite intricate and involved her taking off my shirt and ripping off my undershirt she kissed my cheek and told me that the dance was on her because I was so cute. Goody. The only way I could get my shirt back she explained was if I found her the next time she was doing a dance on the main stage. Great.

I returned to the BMC/MOB corner where I was greeted by a laughing Big Mike and Tony, the owner of MOB. I nabbed one of their extra tshirts that they were giving away, and it was promptly removed again by Elena, Tony's wife, who works the front door at the club. She's not a stripper, but she is rather....affectionate. To be honest I was uncomfortable with her dancing all up on me, since I was sitting right next to her husband. Plus she's pretty hot.

The best part of my night all in all was when Randy, the owner of the club and Big Mike unveiled the Starz bobber. It's a really hot bike, I assume their website will have photos of it. Speaking of photos, Rev, a guy that works for BMC was taking a lot all night, for promotions and what not, and some random dude I guess thought it was somehow okay to suddenly take pictures in a strip club without permission, so he started taking some. He found himself face down in the parking lot real quick.

It was a good Thursday night.
Note: I forget how it came about, but my uncle Greg had to wear a big penis costume and serve us drinks for an hour. Humor.

Because yesterday was monday.

This morning the pond was completely dry, the yard smelled like coney island at low tide, my fridge was completely full of romaine lettuce, and my futon was gone.
Last night was a good night.



If anyone sees my futon....I want it back.

Let me tell about saturday

That is where I write this blog. I am not in the photo.

Yesterday, Saturday October 18th was a very long day. After working until 9pm on Friday, and then drinking heavily of the beer while watching avatar: the last airbender cartoons in my lair I had to wake up early for work at 9am.

I got up and got ready, and after a scrumtrulescent breakfast I was actually feeling pretty darn good. The hippies out here eat this thing called granola, which appears to be a pile of twigs and grains and other crunchy bits with more fiber than one body could possibly handle. I could get used to this. I even got adventurous and changed from my gray uniform shirt to my black one. Both are the same size and brand, yet the black one seems smaller. I am forced to conclude that I became enormous overnight.

At the gym, I worked alongside this guy named brendan from 9-12. He's a relatively recent transplant to Bend too, having grown up in california. He talks like he grew up in california. After our shift, I reminded him that there was a big ski swap going on down on the west side of town, so we decided to go check it out. Since the prices ended up being just as high as if we were in an actual store instead of a flea market type venue, we settled on buying some pizza instead.

The pizza was AWESOME. I can't recall the name of the place, but it was a tiny little shop, like a sbarros almost with standing room only. Not knowing what to expect I ordered two slices of plain cheese and a can of dr. pepper. My total came to 7 dollars. A moment later my 'za was brought out from the ovens and my mind was boggled. The slices were huge! It took two paper plates side by side to keep one slice from dragging ooey gooey new york style cheesy goodness all over the counter top. Somewhat daunted by the task ahead of us, Brendan and I posted up on the tailgate of his truck and went at it. Pure pizza rapture followed. I am proud that we both finished our double helpings. I think it is safe to say that after this bonding experience, I now have an Oregon bro.

After lunch, I wheezed back to the ranch where I food coma-ed until I had to return to work. I worked again from 5 to 9, which nearly killed me with boredom. You can only climb so much in one day. By the end of the night I was playing floor hockey with a 10 year old, and I didn't even give him a chance. Once I finally clocked out, I returned home to change and get ready for my evening. While getting dressed I made the mistake of turning on the TV, and I noticed that avatar: the last airbender was on. This was compounded by the fact that my phone had died, making me miss brendan's call about going out meant that for the second night in a row I stayed home, drank of the beer, and watched cartoons.

Anger!

Today does not seem to be my day. It is a perfect day outside, mid seventies, sunny, lightest of breezes. Nice. Plus it is Friday and it's is my day off.

Now the bad parts. It actually isn't my day off, because I got called in extra. That's alright, I can use the hours. I do need to mow the lawn before I go to work though. Now work is beginning to cramp my style. Not cool. To pacify my frustration, I decided to take the bike out for a spin. Like I said, the weather is incredible.

Steve-o hid the keys. He's onto me. damn damn damn damn. So not only can I not ride when I really really really want to, but there is a huge buck standing next to my garage as I type this mocking me. I can't do anything about it either, because the bow is now upstairs in my fortress of solitude. I've been stalking a certain wile coyote that has been bothering the horses recently. So unless I hotwire the old man's bike, or take out this rude deer with a screwdriver, nothing is going my way at the moment.

I want to cry. Instead I get to mow the lawn.

Treasure

Big momma called to tell me that a 15.00 tax refund check was on the way to my location via US mail. In my excitement, I went out and splurged. I bought 13 dollars worth of groceries. If my math is correct, and I think it is, that left me with 2 extra future dollars. I bought a beer on the way home.

yeh.

Some of the ranch's property. Fluzie horses.

The Giant sent me this. http://www.cnn.com/2008/TRAVEL/getaways/10/15/bend.oregon/index.html

Good weather, good times.

Its Monday, October 13th and it is finally nice out again. Maybe the snow was a fluke. Outside it is sunny and clear and about 70. You knowwww that means I'm stealing the bike again today. Especially because Steve-o is down in California and that narc Jami is away until tomorrow too. Good.

I also start work tonight at 4:30 for the rock climbing job. I guess I passed my drug test. After I figure out my schedule for that job, I'm going to be hitting the streets again hard looking for bartending jobs. I hear bartenders can drink for free sometimes.

Other exciting things happening include:

1. I look handsome.

2. I found my dream career. Rageproductions.com. Check it out. Their studio is right next door to BMC's shop. Marissa Kay fixed up my resume for me, and I'm emailing them just as soon as I man up enough.

3. I'm planning a hilarious Rally race for next summer from NYC to LA. You should plan on entering that, so save money and get some time off.

4. I finally have photos of my ranch for you to enjoy. I just need to figure out how to upload them. Until then, theyre all up on facebook.

I figured it out. That's a picture from the end of my driveway looking down the road towards town. In the distance you can see Mt. Bachelor, which has a wicked ski resort. It's only about 20 minutes away so I guess I'll be learning how to ski and snowboard this winter.

I bid you adieu. The road is calling.

Gather Round, gather round

Before I go out tonight, I want to tell you a story. It was yesterday. or two days ago. It doesnt matter when it was exactly, but it was 10 am and I was going to the gym for some hugification procedures. I stopped at a stop light, and paused my singing (I sing in the car) long enough to read the license plates of the cars in front of me. (This is another hobby I undulge in)

The one right in front of me said Big V. and the one next to him to my diagonal left said Little B.
I don't think they were related or knew each other. Weird huh? Wanting to share my discovery with someone, I looked to the car in the lane next to me on the left, to point out the coincidently hilarious license plates.

The woman was drinking a Budweiser heavy bottle. It was 10 am. I know it was a Bud, and I know there was bud in it because I opened my window and stared until she noticed me. I wasn't sorry she caught me. I'm still not sorry.

Finally the weekend

It snowed last night. Steve-o called and told me to make sure I keep the lawn mowed.


The last couple of days I've been working out and catching up with paperwork and chores around the ranch. Boooooring.

Let me tell you about the gym I go to. It's called Aspire fitness, and its a pretty simple place, just a warehouse with weights and work out machines in it basically. And its always full of babes. Like amazing ones. And old people. Like really old ones. I have never before seen so many white haired palsied zombie-like creatures engaging in athletic pursuits. I'm fairly certain theyre all right on the edge of death and the next dumbell they lift will be their last. Since I seem to be the only one concerned about this however, I have kept my worries private. I won't however be asking one for a spot. The thing is, some of the old dudes are enormous. Its like they retired from their jobs at 65 and now spend 40 hrs a week pumping iron and eating pureed foods back at their group home. If I wasn't certain their hips would break if they were forced to move quickly, I wouldn't want to tussle with these guys. It is a strange place.

Achievification

Yesterday, Tuesday October 7th I was busy. I was awakened early by the incredible brightness of the sun. I need to buy some drapes. As I was up anyway, I decided to go with it. I had a delicious breakfast of Kix cereal while watching Junkyard wars on TV. I can't believe they still have that show out here. After breakfast I wandered down the road to check out a gym that I had noticed earlier. Since it was cheap and there were babes, I got a membership. The manager also made a point of telling me that they need a new sales rep. and that the job is easy and pays well. Being the clever young lad that I am, I applied.

After I became enormous, I went grocery shopping which put me in a foul mood. Then I ate lunch which put me in a good mood. Then I bravely battled the itis and went downtown to start applying for bartending jobs. That is the thing that is good because I did that thing. That is the thing that is bad because I got really drunk. By 330. I love microbrewed beer. I stumbled around downtown until I was sober enough to drive home. The price of this was that I now had a hangover. Back at the ranch, Jami was home from class and she went into girl mode making me some pasta. While this occured I discovered several deer had invited themselves over, and were wandering around the driveway and front lawn. Two of them were pretty well sized bucks. Since I was hungry, and neither the horses nor the dog were bothered by our uninvited guests I thought about getting out steve-o's bow. Of course this would then require cleaning and dressing the carcass, and that is a smelly and messy job. Jami refused to help. I stuck to pasta.

I also got a call that day saying that I got the rock climbing job and I start Saturday. As long as I pass my drug and background check. I'm worried about the background check, anyone who discovers I'm associated with you people probably wont want to hire me. So thank you.

Notes: You will be pleased to know I bought a disposable camera. I will take pictures of the ranch now. And other things. Eventually.

The radio stations out here are mostly independent and they actually play music. Into it.

This weekend there's a big indie film festival in Bend. Maybe I will watch a film or two.

Day whatever: I am the slimmest

I had big plans for these past couple of days. Calendar marked, notes on the memo kind of plans. Instead I got into a groove writing and I've barely left my fortress of solitude. While this is good for my grand nerd novel experiment, it is bad for my social life/job search/sanity. I did go back to the gym though. I have grown strong. How does one become stronger on a diet of beer and loneliness? If one starves because they dislike cooking, is that an epic death?

I guess I'll call it a hunger strike so it seems honorable.

Note: I promise I'll find a camera soon because all you illiterates are clamoring for pictures.

Day 13: More Fortress of Solitude

Saturday, October 4th. I ate a Whopper with fries and unsweetened iced tea. The fries were cold.

Day 12: The most beautiful woman in the world

Friday, October 3rd. I got stood up. Not in the cliche pitiful movie way where I go to a restaurant and get a table for two and order a glass of wine and an appetizer and then sit there looking lost until closing time, but I was stood up none the less. I had plans to go downtown with Jami, and then the young lady I had met at Reed Pub would give me a call, we'd meet up, we'd drink, we'd dance, we'd laugh, and I would seduce her and her german roomate and all would be well in the world.

Jami and I did go downtown, date girl just never called. So I wandered around to various bars making 20 minute friends and drinking heavily of the distilled spirits. Around midnight Jami and I went to Starz so she could pick up her paycheck and I could ogle the lady parts. Jami introduced me to everyone that I hadn't met yet, and they all were so very friendly. The strippers even said I was handsome. Not to me, that would have just meant that my wallet looked handsome to them. They told Jami, and she told me after the fact. So great. I've impressed strippers with my charm and rugged good looks.

The night wasn't a total loss however. In Starz I met my soul mate and the most beautiful woman in the world. Its the same person. Her name is Mindy, and she is a waittress. I want to marry her in marrying house and give her my babies. You're all invited to the wedding. I assume the bachelor party would be at Starz, but then what if she is working that night. Would that be weird?

Day 11: day 11

I drove into the desert at sunset.
On the radio, a haunting cover of Black Sabbath's War Pigs turned my thoughts. Rage came. The sky is different here. No colors. Behind me, night crept. Before me the day died quietly, the last strip of light slowly fading from blue into gray between a gauntlet of distant mountain peaks and cloud silhouettes. darkness nestled close, until even the stunted pines beside me were almost gone from view. Almost. It was the stars. Out where there are no electric lights, no towering trees, and no terrain to obscure your view the stars make themselves known. At home in Connecticut they are there for you if you look for them. Here they grow bold, grab you by the short hairs, and scream in your facebones "Ohh hello. How nice to see you again. Yeah, we're still here. We're not going anywhere. But you are, aren't you? yeah, you'll die soon. Loser. We'll still be here long after you've been forgotten won't we fellows?" And of course the others will agree, they always do. Stupid snooty stars.

On my way home I bought a lot of booze.

Day 10: Studying

Today I ate only orange colored foods.