As I finish up my last days of work and begin the frustrating packing process, I question the fate of this blog. I mean, look at the title. Can I in good conscience continue my rambling blog about my year abroad in Oregon, if i'm no longer in Oregon? Perhaps not.
We've had a good run though, haven't we?
With all the grace of a baby hippopotamus Bend, Oregon has thundered into a secure place in my heart. Its breathtaking views and wrenching beauty have never ceased to move me. I'm no Thoreau, but when looking at the mountains makes me smile every morning on the way to work, I know i'm in a special place. I've poked a lot of fun at the local population, but honestly all their quirks and oddities add to their charm.
I have a friend here who has repeatedly expressed to me that she has no hobbies. Well darling, you're living in the wrong place. For all its culture, Bend is far too isolated for someone who doesn't thrive on exploring the great outdoors. No matter how many bars and restaurants and theaters open up downtown, Bend will always be a small town in the middle of nowhere. That's why we live here. Go play on the mountain.. Bike the trails. Hike the desert. Paddle the river. Do something positively dirty. It'll keep you young.
Bend, Oregon: fountain of youth.
Thank you for all that you've given me. Hopefully I've returned the favor.
During the my drive home to Connecticut I will take the time to post a couple entertaining portraits of strange people I meet along the way, so this blog will survive at least that long. When I do get back East, I plan on actively publishing more of my stories, including the much anticipated Nerd Novel I've been working on since I moved here, so keep an eye on this page for exciting links and updates about my progress. That's all I guess.
I love you.
- Max Tyson, King of America
Friday, November 27, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
It...leaves the desert?
'Tis true. I am leaving Bend. Going back to CT. My year abroad has come to an end. I'm...sorry.
BUT I NEED TO ACTUALLY MAKE MONEY, which is a papery green substance still found in relative abundance on the sunrise coast. Maybe someday i'll come back, when Bend is once again part of Oregon, and isn't just the northernmost city in California, and consequently subject to all of California's financial woes.
When that happens, call me.
On a related note, all my junk is for sale. Here is a partial list: http://bend.craigslist.org/gms/1468639926.html
BUT I NEED TO ACTUALLY MAKE MONEY, which is a papery green substance still found in relative abundance on the sunrise coast. Maybe someday i'll come back, when Bend is once again part of Oregon, and isn't just the northernmost city in California, and consequently subject to all of California's financial woes.
When that happens, call me.
On a related note, all my junk is for sale. Here is a partial list: http://bend.craigslist.org/gms/1468639926.html
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
On the Kharma
Kharma is a dirty pirate hooker. I spent so much time complaining that nobody from back home ever came out here to visit a Max Tyson in the desert, that when some people actually did come, I was on my way out on vacation myself. Heading back to CT.
Right at the end of last month LaStinky and Luke made a pit stop in Bend during their roadtrip from CT to Santa Barbara. I was both surprised and impressed that they made that detour. Look at a map. You'll be impressed too. They couldn't stay long, since Miss Marissa, Bre, Andy, and I were preparing for our own trip, via aeroplane, to the sunrise coast, but in the short time they were here, a lot of fun got done.
We drank beers, shot guns, mountain biked, hiked, explored caves, rock climbed, drank more beers, ate treats, and fried our brains at Velvet drinking Bubble Troubles and watching "Onslaught", a truly disturbing visual jump cut sequence of horrifying gore and more horrifying 80's porn, set to music. Imagine GirlTalk, but with movie clips. Movie clips that are gross.
Wednesday morning, Oct. 28th. Lastinky and Mr. Luke Marlow return to the road, and Marissa and I headed for the Redmond Airport. You know what happened next America.
(Note: If you don't know what happened next, don't fret. I'll tell you soon.)
Right at the end of last month LaStinky and Luke made a pit stop in Bend during their roadtrip from CT to Santa Barbara. I was both surprised and impressed that they made that detour. Look at a map. You'll be impressed too. They couldn't stay long, since Miss Marissa, Bre, Andy, and I were preparing for our own trip, via aeroplane, to the sunrise coast, but in the short time they were here, a lot of fun got done.
We drank beers, shot guns, mountain biked, hiked, explored caves, rock climbed, drank more beers, ate treats, and fried our brains at Velvet drinking Bubble Troubles and watching "Onslaught", a truly disturbing visual jump cut sequence of horrifying gore and more horrifying 80's porn, set to music. Imagine GirlTalk, but with movie clips. Movie clips that are gross.
Wednesday morning, Oct. 28th. Lastinky and Mr. Luke Marlow return to the road, and Marissa and I headed for the Redmond Airport. You know what happened next America.
(Note: If you don't know what happened next, don't fret. I'll tell you soon.)
Monday, October 26, 2009
Minitruck III
My new cat makes me want to curb stomp bambi. Marissa Kay works at the humane society animal shelter, so it was only a matter of time before she broke down and brought some of the chinese restaurant surplus home. I've got to hand it to her, she did last almost 5 months. Her explanation to me for why we NEEDED this cat was something along the lines of "He's been at the shelter as long as I have, and he hates everybody and is so unpleasant nobody would ever adopt him, but I have a special bond with him!"
My response was of course "Baby girl, you had me at -he hates everybody." What self respecting American male doesn't want a large, mangy, ancient, preferably one-eyed Tom cat wandering around his property periodically killing racoons, coyotes, and small children? I sure did.
UNFORTUNATELY Marissa Kay is a liar. The damn cat is young, healthy, well-groomed and worst of all super friendly. Like all creatures great and small, he instantly realized that I disliked him, and consequently decided that I was his new best friend. The beast follows me around the house, and refuses to sleep anywhere except lying on my face. Throughout the night he keeps everyone awake by wandering the house purring at a volume somewhere between jet fighter take off and marilyn manson concert. As we speak he's perched on my shoulder like a retarded hairy parrot. He steals my food and stinks up the house. He rubs his poopy butt all over my things. He rubs his poopy butt all over me. He flings kitty litter everywhere when he takes a dump, which he does with alarming frequency. Note: His pooties smell BAD, and he farts LOUD.
The hell beasts' only redeeming quality is that I named him Minitruck III. Even though his name is already Fargo. I pray that a Condor bird swoops into our dining room and takes him away to his rocky eyrie to chew up and regurgitate.
PS I'm on vacation and i'm going to CT soon!
PPS I'm finally done w/CH19 of Nerd Novel.
PPPS I'm fairly certain my halloween costume is going to get me arrested. Just so you know.
My response was of course "Baby girl, you had me at -he hates everybody." What self respecting American male doesn't want a large, mangy, ancient, preferably one-eyed Tom cat wandering around his property periodically killing racoons, coyotes, and small children? I sure did.
UNFORTUNATELY Marissa Kay is a liar. The damn cat is young, healthy, well-groomed and worst of all super friendly. Like all creatures great and small, he instantly realized that I disliked him, and consequently decided that I was his new best friend. The beast follows me around the house, and refuses to sleep anywhere except lying on my face. Throughout the night he keeps everyone awake by wandering the house purring at a volume somewhere between jet fighter take off and marilyn manson concert. As we speak he's perched on my shoulder like a retarded hairy parrot. He steals my food and stinks up the house. He rubs his poopy butt all over my things. He rubs his poopy butt all over me. He flings kitty litter everywhere when he takes a dump, which he does with alarming frequency. Note: His pooties smell BAD, and he farts LOUD.
The hell beasts' only redeeming quality is that I named him Minitruck III. Even though his name is already Fargo. I pray that a Condor bird swoops into our dining room and takes him away to his rocky eyrie to chew up and regurgitate.
PS I'm on vacation and i'm going to CT soon!
PPS I'm finally done w/CH19 of Nerd Novel.
PPPS I'm fairly certain my halloween costume is going to get me arrested. Just so you know.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Red Hot Beef and Bean Burritos
A couple weekends ago we succeeded in our quest to over-indulge in alcoholic treats. Drew especially. If you have the facebook, I suggest stalking Miss Kay's photo albums and enjoying the one labelled "Drew's Downfall". Don't look at the other albums though. They're sinful.
Long story short the silly child thought he could keep up with me in the whiskey consumption arena. Oh he kept up. And then threw up. And then passed out. I spent the rest of my night removing various articles of clothing and dancing under the disco ball in the dining room to Daft Punk. Business as usual.
Last weekend was good too! Marissa and I met up with some of my friends at Velvet, a bar downtown, conveniently owned by my boss. He's an older guy, probably in his 40's now, and he has two little girls, so whenever he wants to do something naughty, he goes to his bar to do it. This past weekend it was watching Team America: World Police.
Velvet is a trendy place, full of well-dressed beautiful people, so I was tickled pink to be sitting with the owner and my raucous group of friends watching a shitty/horribly innappropriate puppet movie and consuming gobs of free food and drink. I think everybody forgot to pace themselves. Mostly because Miss Kay invited everyone (EVERYONE.) back to our place to play beerpong, and they actually came. I lost at beerpong. Yeah, whatever. Shut up. You go home now.
Long story short the silly child thought he could keep up with me in the whiskey consumption arena. Oh he kept up. And then threw up. And then passed out. I spent the rest of my night removing various articles of clothing and dancing under the disco ball in the dining room to Daft Punk. Business as usual.
Last weekend was good too! Marissa and I met up with some of my friends at Velvet, a bar downtown, conveniently owned by my boss. He's an older guy, probably in his 40's now, and he has two little girls, so whenever he wants to do something naughty, he goes to his bar to do it. This past weekend it was watching Team America: World Police.
Velvet is a trendy place, full of well-dressed beautiful people, so I was tickled pink to be sitting with the owner and my raucous group of friends watching a shitty/horribly innappropriate puppet movie and consuming gobs of free food and drink. I think everybody forgot to pace themselves. Mostly because Miss Kay invited everyone (EVERYONE.) back to our place to play beerpong, and they actually came. I lost at beerpong. Yeah, whatever. Shut up. You go home now.
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