Deadly Deadly Max Tyson

Monday, Dec. 15th. It began as most things do, with a phone call. This particular phone call was Jami calling from the driveway to tell me she was ready to leave. I missed it. I was pooping. After successfully completing my bathroom transaction I grabbed my bag and headed down. The snow was still falling heavily, as it had been for the past three days. Luckily Jami Lee was giving me a ride to the Redmond airport, for my trip south to slightly more temperate climes.

My first flight was the regular hop to portland, and it was delayed significantly by the snow. It was neat though because it was in the OSU Beavers athletics plane. By the time I arrived in the terminal my next flight was already boarding. Luckily I pack like the manly man I am, and I had only a carry on so I was able to board without worrying about the fate of my luggage. This flight was from Portland to San Jose International in the great state of CA. It was not pleasant. Sitting right behind me was a fat white woman wearing muslim head scarves, which annoyed me to begin with. How dare she be fat. To add injury to insult, she had a fat LOUD son with her. He had never heard of indoor voices, and he liked to talk. Mostly asinine questions and imperious demands. I told the gentleman sitting next to me that it was going to be a long flight. He agreed wholeheartedly. I suppose the flight crew were of a like mind too, because they made the unprecedented move of offering complimentary beer and wine for the entire flight. When I arrived in CA my blinding rage was partially satiated, but I was also 3 sheets to the wind.

Uncle Rob picked me up at the airport and brought me to his ranch for the night. Let me tell you a bit about uncle Rob. He is my godfather, and was my dad's roomate in the airforce academy until he was kicked out. "Unadaptable to a military environment" I believe. He graduated from a civilian university and became an underwater engineer and diving surveyor. During his career he made his fortune and broke his neck. He dated many foxy ladies until his hair turned white and his belly grew large, and then he retired and settled down alone on his families ancient ranch. When I say ancient, I mean it was built before electricity. It still has no shower, just an old bathtub. While I was there not even that worked because his water main had exploded. What it does have his hundreds of acres of wilderness, and many many many dead stuffed animal heads and pelts. Bro-cave.

After sleeping in my alaska grade sleeping bag (no heat in ranch either) I woke up and we began our trip. Rob and my dad's old friend and academy classmate Scotty picked us up and we started driving south. We went through hills and valleys, through a town that smelled strongly of garlic and oil fields that smelled strongly of petroleum anus. Once we were far enough south we cut across the Mojave desert on the old rt 66, which we followed or paralleled across the colorado river into the mountains of arizona. Due to a nighttime snowstorm we got stuck in the mountains somewhere for the night. In the morning we cut through to new mexico and on to colorado Springs.

In C-springs I met 2 more of my dad's old academy classmates, and they treated us to drinks and dinner. The things they told me about my dad were a revelation. He was.....me. That is to say, he was an iconic pillar of garbage in his community and he loved adventures, women, and jokes. Im proud to say that the acorn did not fall far from the tree, and I had never even known he was such an esteemed gentleman. Thursday morning we got up and went to visit the air force academy, so they could reminisce about the terrible things they did and I could see a bit of history. Then Rob, Scotty and I bid fairwell to Colorado and went back to New Mexico.

We went to the T.O Ranch, a famous working cattle ranch that also provides guided hunts for various big game on its 300,000 plus acres. Already arrived were 4 other friends of Rob who would join us on our hunts, and the guides that would help us. Since I grow weary, I will tell you about our hunt another day. Goodnight.