Poopstain.

I feel compelled to explain something to you America, as I sit eating my meager bread-based suppertime treats. Allow me to put it into perspective first.

Central Oregon received its first noticable snowfall last night. Winter has finally come to Bend. Being a gainfully employed gentleman (barely) I had to rise from my nest early and drive across town. Oregonians have the strange habit of not plowing the roads. Not even main roads. If you're lucky you get a little bit of sand in the intersection, but more often than not its just fluffy powder or tightpacked ice sheet depending on how busy the roadway is. I guess they assume that people have 4 wheel drive, studded tires, and marginal winter driving ability. In practice this is most often not the case. Fortuitously I drive like a fox and was able to keep minitruck II dancing like a dervish in time to some throbbing bass lines on the Fm receiver.

Here is where my complaint comes in. The eclectic grooves of Earth Wind and Fire gave way and were replaced by the bane of all music lovers the world over. Christmas tunes.

Stay with me America. Let me explain. I love Santa Claws and the baby jesus just as much as the next guy. I long for the holidays, Christmas most of all. But the music, if it can really be called that is SO bad.

Lets break it down.

The lyrics: Outdated and overdone. There is only so much you can say about Santa and snowflakes and peace on earth America. What the fuck is a bough of holly? Who really cares about massacred pine trees dying a lingering death above some inadequate parents best attempt to buy the love of their snot nosed brat monsters?

The "artists": Just because Jessica Simpson decides to cover Jingle Bells doesn't mean that the song magically becomes cool. It just means that she somehow becomes even less so. Most legitimate artists understand this, which is why worthless no name artists proliferate in this ravenous QVC market. It seems like any person who's 4th grade music teacher said they really nailed that recorder concert way back in the day suddenly has delusions of talent, producing endless clone CDs of tone deaf caterwaulling. The sick part is that people buy them and radios play them. Why must we suddenly suspend all taste and good judgment as soon as something is labelled a "christmas song"? I've heard better noises listening in on unfriendly badgers screwing vigorously.

The music: I must have missed the memo the rest of you all seem to have received explaining that random bells and melodies a deaf inbred downs baby can write are actually enjoyable to listen to over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

12 days of christmas? No, there's one day. So shut up.
Little Drummer boy? Hes no John Bonham or Travis Barker, which means hes nobody at all.
Oh come let us adore him? Adore him silently before I karate chop you both in the throat bones.
Silent Night? Please yes.
Do you hear what I hear? Yeah. Shit.
Gloria in Excelsis Deo? Gloria can like my scrotum.
Nut Cracker, Nut March, Nut Overture, Nut Fair, Nut Trip, Nuts for you, Nuts, Nut Waltz, More Nuts, Chestnuts roast on an open fire? What the FUCK?
Here comes Santa Claus? Not if you don't can it and go to bed.
I'm dreaming of a white christmas? How about I'm dreaming about good music and its not this.

You get the picture. There are at least 30002 Christmas songs out there, and for some reason we are forced to listen to all of them every single year time and again. Personally I HATE it. And I hate you for allowing it to happen America.