The True Story of Christmas

As you know I recently returned from an archeological expedition to the egyptian desert. While there my crew found a previously unknown pyramid. Within the sarcophagus no body lay, just some stone tablets covered in a hitherto untranslated ancient language. Back in my lab I was able to obtain the little known twin to the rosetta stone, the evil rosetta stone. On it are inscribed the worlds most evil languages. Since two of those are southern redneck and latin, and one was the language of the pyramid stones translation became a relatively simple affair. The stones contain a fantasmagorical story of irrefutable truth. The actual story of Christmas.

The stones speak of an ancient alien culture that once existed here on earth, the lost civilization of Atlantis. The Atlanteans were an advanced people, yet they were prone to greedy squabbles. Chief among the Atlanteans was a great inventor by the name of Santa Claws. As one of the foremost minds of his time, Santa Claws warned his people to change their errant ways but he was ignored. Fearing the consequences of the activities of his proud race, Santa fled the island with his wife Misses Claws. It was lucky they did, for soon after their flight, Atlantis became embroiled in a brief but bitter civil war. The results of this conflict were many and varied. Atlantis was lost beneath the waves, along with their science and philosophy. Ohh and the dinosaurs died.

Now Santa and his wife were justifiably upset to be the last of their kind, doomed to live among the barbaric human race, but their grief was tempered by a small blessing. Misses Claws was pregnant. She soon gave birth to a beloved son, Jesus Claws. Due to translation issues over time his name has been bastardized to read as Jesus Christ.

Now as an advanced species, Santa and Misses soon became rulers of this world, maintaining many estates and residences across the continents. These are the worlds ancient pyramids. They remained benevolent yet aloof towards their human neighbors, who in their childish ingnorance had begun worshipping them as Gods. Jesus, being a rebellious youth, began consorting with humanity against his parents wishes. For a time all was well, as humanity enjoyed the use of his sorcerous teknologies and knowledge. Soon we became jealous of his gifts however, and after a night of heavy drinking and partying brutally murdered Jesus Claws/Christ.

Overwhelmed with grief and rage about his only son's death Santa Claws' mind was lost. Using his most arcane teknologies Santa forged an enormous space sleigh. Imbued with the chained essences of eight great horned demons the sleigh can travel the miasma of the warp between worlds, giving Santa power over both space and time. With his loyal wife and an army of genetically bred miniscule servants he left the world of man for the frozen wastes of the North pole. Here he remains to this day, planning and plotting his terrible vengeance on mankind. Once a year on the anniversary of his son's birth Santa releases his dreaded Grinch, and using the vile powers of his demon sleigh leaves his icy fortress to present the innocent children of man with diabolical gifts, in the hopes that they might choke on the small parts or become murderous with rage over ill-fitting and unattractive clothing.

So read the stones, and so it was. Now you know the actual story of Christmas.